Eddie
[Recent Entries][Archive][Friends][User Info]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Eddie" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
|
08:05 am
[Link] |
Halloween and other happenings
This really has little to do with Halloween - just a subject line that popped out.
Mainly, it just seemed time for another post. I haven't done much of that lately because it's been somewhat of a downer year - not all doom and gloom, just a rather blah period and few tidings of good cheer. I've definitely been less than a harbinger of happiness. Started last January when I sank into a depression, the details of which were hard enough to live through; almost impossible to relive in a post.
My life-line was LJ and keeping up with the posts of my friends.
Then I resumed African drumming during the summer - I stopped playing back in January and had not played for about 6 months, until I was asked to fill in on the djuns (the large bass drums that provide the foundation) for a performance. That was when I realized that the djembe was not really my instrument; the djuns were. And that has been both a relief and a revelation. Partly the djembe problem was due to pain from some arthritis in my left index finger, but it was always a struggle with the djembe hand drums. Although I grasped and the loved the rhythms, I just wasn't moving ahead - that was part of my depression. It was a different story behind the djuns, and since they are played with sticks, I can make adjustments to avoid the pain of the finger. Recently, I was able to purchase a set of the three drums that make up the djuns. I just feel at home playing them, and a sense of coming into my own. As synchronicity would have it, as I moved in that direction, my drumming teacher offered a class in the djuns for the first time.
When the student is ready, the teacher arrives.
This was also true with another indigenous instrument. Last week I went to a workshop for didgeridoos and found another connection. Probably partly due to the guy holding the workshop, but mostly a fascination with the instrument itself. Like African drumming, there are more layers to the the instrument and it's place in the culture than are immediately seen. Anyway by the end of the 2 hour workshop I had decided to purchase one of the didgeridoos he had made from an agave plant. It's beautiful to look at and an amazing experience to play - even at my beginner's level. Surprisingly I discovered that my past experiences in playing the trumpet and singing both came into play - embouchure, breath control, articulation, and even vocal production are part of the process. Now if I can just get the circular breathing down, I may be in business. I look forward to working with him as I begin to uncover the mysteries of the didgeridoo.
I guess there are no wasted experiences or talents - even when set aside for a time, they're just waiting for the right channel to flow through.
Last night was a bit of a drag - and I guess the Halloween Horror connection for this post - but at last my new cell phone proved it's worth. Shortly after I left the drumming class (about 9:30 pm), while stopped at a red light, my car just lost electrical power and died. Fortunately, I was able to get it off the main road. Then I called AAA from my car to have my car towed to a auto repair shop - and the tow truck driver offered to give me a ride home. This was especially nice since rental cars aren't available at that hour and there is no public transportation out where I live. Plus I had two large djun drums with me. Strangely enough, I didn't panic or feel abused by the Universe or even helpless. I just had to wait for things to fall into place.
I also learned that with an AAA tow, one gets a free day of a car rental. So now I'm waiting for Enterprise to come pick me up - could be at least an hour or more. And I'm enjoying the time away from work. That's been the source of most of my "down" feelings, but those are some of the details I don't want to relive here.
I've also been doing a lot of acupuncture work at a local acupuncture school. Student Intern sessions, but still good work. They are working a lot on the depression and stress - mostly work related - but also other issues coming from loneliness, and probably advancing age in an isolated environment. Maybe it's just being touched and having another human being pay attention. Who knows; I just feel better. I've become a great believer in acupuncture. It's not a sudden cure, producing gladness and light all around, but an easing of the stress and an ability to see beyond the moment. Makes a lot of difference and the moment somehow bearable.
So that's my story for the moment. I often wish I were somewhere else, but I'm also glad to be where I am. Some sort of balance seems to be coming into play. I'm grateful for African drumming, didgeridoos, cell phones, even Enterprise and AAA, and especially for the connection with my friends here on LJ.
All things work together...
Current Mood: pregnant with possibilities
Current Music: Rufus Wainwright's "Milwaukee At Last!" CD
|
|
10:19 am
[Link] |
A Weekend in the Life
When I arrived home from work on Friday, my internet connection was down - which also means my telephone was out (I’m a Vonage customer). I felt quite out of joint. At first I thought the whole internet was out, but then I started unplugging and re-plugging connector wires. Finally everything came back to life. Don't know if my unplugging and re-plugging had anything to do with it - but at least I felt like a participant. I'm not the most connected person in the 21st century, but when it all stops there is a heightened feeling of isolation.
When my PC was finally working, I had an email from a friend from college days (David) who now lives in London. We communicate quite regularly and he has had many health issues over the years – including a serious heart attack about 4 years ago. However, Friday’s missive stated rather casually that he had been experiencing some chest pains over the past few days, and if he had to go to hospital I probably wouldn’t hear from him for awhile. Then he closed by saying that he might write later that day, but only if something weird or wondrous happened. "Well, thanks," I thought. "If I don’t hear from you, is it because your life is so dull or because you’re in the throes of a heart attack?" Talk about waiting to exhale - not that I was in a panic. Just left with a limbo-ish feeling of wondering, and trying to stay away from a "what if" scenario. However, I didn't feel a rift in the space-time continuum, so put that uneasy feeling on hold. I was just aware of an easier feeling when I received an email from him this morning (Sunday).
I guess at our age (he’s a year older that me) the antennae are more finely attuned to aches, pains, and palpitations – wondering, Is the Big One? Or the beginning of some end-like episode? Or just an unexpected, but passing, twinge?
That evening I was scheduled for a student massage at a local massage school. I’ve been doing that for about 10 years now – with mostly good experiences. It’s cheap and I like being part of their training. However, the massage Friday night was more of an endurance test than a moment of tranquility - the luck of the draw with beginning massage students. Not much finesse, nor was it very soothing, but delivered with great commitment.
At times I almost felt like I was on a chiropractor's table or in some sadist's chamber of horrors. But I endured (with only an occasional "That’s a little too much"), and had a chance to give some feedback afterwards, so I guess I contributed to the education process. It seems human touch, no matter how clumsy or awkward, is better than none at all – even if you have to pay for it. I'll have to be more specific next time when I say "I like deep pressure", and add, "but probably not with your elbow or thumbs."
Saturday was pleasant, but not exciting at all. Fed the birds and myself - had coffee & breakfast on my front (which does not imply a back) porch. A tufted titmouse and a few chickadees stopped by while I was out there; bold enough to take seeds from a feeder near where I sit. All others wait until I've gone back inside. The titmouse especially keeps a wary eye on me, and none of them stay long, but seem to accept my presence as part of their world. Somehow I find that comforting.
Then it was off to a local outdoor farmer's market that's open only on Saturday mornings. Yesterday seemed dog's day - they were everywhere. Much butt sniffing, crotch licking, and openly sizing each other up. Didn't buy much (only tortillas and some sandalwood soap) – mostly people watching. Some rather attractive farm boys selling their wares temped me to buy stuff I didn't really need - just for that moment of contact. But I was strong and only stopped long enough to seem to be examining what they were selling (no butt sniffing, etc), just breathing the same air for a moment, then walked on by.
Took my djembe in to be re-headed – which will cost about $125-150. Only last week I discovered that the head had split during the 6-month idle time due to my arthritic index finger. That puts a dent in my djundun fund. Mostly I wondered why I was having the djembe repaired at all, since I won't be playing it much anytime soon. But didn't waste too much time analyzing that since on a gut level it just made sense - and I'm all about gut-level feelings.
Then it was off to do some hunting & gathering at Central Market (an upscale version of the HEB grocery chain – which will probably mean something only to someone here in Austin). The HEB slogan is Here Everything's Better – and at Central Market, it really is. I spend more than I should there, but partly it’s for the entertainment value. The store is laid out in a rather serpentine pattern, instead of endless aisles, and a walk-through is a form of entertainment in itself.
And that, as they say, was that. Not even sure how I filled the rest of the Saturday, but the time passed.
Today (Sunday) I plan to watch Bernstein's "Candide" - a DVD I recently bought - with him conducting. Supposed to be quite good. May also take another look at Britten's "Peter Grimes." I've got both the Peter Pears and the Jon Vickers versions. They're both very different - not sure which one I like best. I could make it an all-gay-20th-century-opera-composer Sunday and take another look at Poulenc's "Dialogue of the Carmelites" - but probably not. I don't like either version I've got - the final 11 minutes just don't cut it -and it's all about the final 11 minutes.
With temperatures back in the 105F (40C) range for the coming week, outdoor activities don't seem very inviting. Apparently July was the hottest July on record here in Central Texas - ever - or at least since records were kept going back well into the 19th century. And we still have to get through August. I guess I've adjusted, since I don't think of it as too hot anymore - just hot - and move a little slower.
And that’s a weekend (more or less typical) in my life. There are days when I think there should be more, but the days bring what the days bring – the readiness is all.
Current Mood: Basically good
Current Music: Desert Dabce - a performance by R. Carlos Nakai
|
|
06:57 am
[Link] |
Rhythm of Life
Everyone's life has a rhythm to it - ups & downs, daily routine, hours and hours of the same interrupted by moments and upheavals of the unexpected. I've had a couple of the latter recently that either re-energized or changed my life - possibly both.
As usual, I can't really tell the tale without going into some background. Hope you can bare with me. If not, at least I'll have a fuller record of this for my journal.
The first involves African drumming. Last January I thought my days of drumming were over. I was developing a very painful joint in my left index finger - I'm assuming arthritis - and hand drumming felt like needles being shoved into that joint. So, much to the dismay of my teacher, I dropped out of drumming class, set my drums aside, and began to consider selling them. That was maybe even more painful than the index finger.
I couldn't bring myself to get rid of them, so they just sat in my bedroom mocking me.
The finger kept getting worse, to the point that I could barely bend my finger and the pain was becoming worse - more constant than unbearable, but still a problem. My regular MD said there was nothing permanent that could be done - just had to live with it - maybe cortisone shots as a short term fix if it became too painful and lots of pain killers from now on. I seem to have gotten one of those MD's who "fix" people, instead of treating the whole person. The impact of giving up drumming was of no interest to him - and maybe he really didn't know what else to do.
Anyway, I finally went to an acupuncture clinic here - the Academy of Oriental Medicine at Austin (AOMA). Of course, I chose the student clinic because it's cheaper and I like to think I'm contributing to their training. Within one treatment I had almost full use of my index finger, and it's gotten progressively better with regular sessions. It's still painful when I try to drum, but not as much, and in everyday life it's negligible.
That kept alive the hope of finding some way back into drumming.
One of the drumming alternatives I considered was moving to the djunduns - three large, tuned base drums that provide the foundation rhythm and sound - because they are played with sticks, plus I really enjoy playing them. The technique is completely different than the djembes, so at some point people usually choose one or the other. And it's a real choice since djuns are sort of 2nd class citizens in the drumming world. Like character or supporting actors in theatre, they are essential and provide foundation, but the djembes are the stars. I actually prefer not being one of the stars, but one really needs to own a set of 3 drums to learn the feel and sound and possibilities of them. And that's at least a $1,000 investment for a good set. Like selling my djembes, I put that on hold as well.
During the 1st 6 months of this year, I sort of put drumming into the realm of a wonderful memory and got on with things. Then about 3 weeks ago, my drumming teacher called wanting to know if I would consider joining the group for a workshop at the Phoenix House the next week - a teenage drug & alcohol rehab center here is Austin. Our class had played there twice before and the kids kept asking when we're coming back. The problem was that one of the djun players in the class couldn't make it. Since I had spent a lot of time learning the djun rhythms and was moving in that direction anyway, Sherry (my teacher) was sure I would do just fine. I only waffled about 60 seconds, then said if she could give me a refresher session I'd be there.
That workshop at the Phoenix House turned into one of those unexpected moments.
First, the djun rhythms all came back to me, for the most part, as though I had only been away for a couple of weeks. I was shaky about which djun rhythm went with which djembe pattern, but felt sure I wouldn't be lost entirely. Of course, when we started playing in front of the kids, I went blank (What are these 2 sticks in my hands and how do they relate to the drums in front of me?), but with a little nudge from Sherry was back on track. The best part was working with the kids for that hour. They really wanted to be there and learn. After a brief demonstration from our group, and some basic instruction, they were invited to join in. It didn't take long for the whole room to become integrated into an instant community with the rhythms carrying us to another place. It's probably one of the few only semi-structured events in their lives there. And drumming is simply a release - tapping into something deeper than daily existence.
As an aside: I highly recommend a movie - The Visitor - that came out about a year ago. It's not about drumming, but drumming figures significantly into the story. It's more a story of what can happen when one offers help to a stranger and, as a result, both lives become entangled for a time - and both are changed in the process. The stranger plays the djembe and offers to teach the helper. The helper resists, but keeps coming back to it. It's a minor plot point, but provides a significant release for both throughout the movie.
Anyway, I knew at the Phoenix House that the djuns had picked me and I would find a way to buy one djun at a time until my own set of 3 was complete. In fact, I dipped into my meager savings account and bought the 1st of the 3 the Saturday after the Phoenix House workshop.
Classes don't start up again until September, but as synchronicity would have it, there were 2 workshops in the weeks following the Phoenix House event - one specifically for djuns and the other including them. Plus Sherry is starting a djun class in the Fall. And I may be able to take lessons from the djun player (Jean Claude) at the 2nd workshop. He's from the Ivory Coast and has been playing since he was a child. He's also a noted African dance teacher and performer here in Austin (he puts the SIN in sensual), but said he sometimes takes on djun students. Apparently I showed enough promise for him to consider that possibility. Nothing is set yet, but just the possibility makes my heart leap up - but not too high in case that doesn't work out.
The acupuncture continues and my health has steadily improved with almost weekly sessions. It doesn't hurt that the 2 interns I see both make my heart flutter (from their presence) as well as my skin tingle (from the needles). The magic of human touch is truly amazing - even when you have to pay someone for the experience. Oh, wait...that sounds...it's not...never mind...it's a good thing.
So that's where things stand for now. There is another event that is equally significant for me, but that will have to wait for another post - soon. Otherwise this post would go on for days.
Current Mood: Very uplifted
Current Music: Irish music I bought from a street singer in Oregon - vocals & harp - amazing
|
|
01:05 pm
[Link] |
Back from the Oregon Trail
Returned from Portland, Oregon, this past Monday - late - arrived at the airport at 11:04 pm, then waited for the SuperShuttle van for about 30 more - and was home around midnight. Thankfully I didn't have to go to work on Tuesday. In fact, I'm off for the rest of the week. Had thought about some day trips - to the San Antonio area - but with temperatures hovering around 103-106 F and no air conditioning in my car, I have opted for sleeping late and reading, with occasional trips to the grocery store and maybe a movie - although there's not much of interest to me these days.
The time in Portland was really very good. Actually, my sister lives in Lake Oswego, a small community just outside of Portland. She has a condo on the Willamette River with only a partial view because of all the trees. I kept wondering how they built the rather dense housing and kept most of the trees. They don't take kindly to cutting down trees in Oregon. In fact, one of her neighbors was pruning some branches that were impinging on her balcony, and someone called the cops on her.
I arrived in time for a heat wave there - it got up to 98 F one day, and stayed in the mid-90's the whole time. The wonderful thing about Oregon, though, is that when the sun goes down, so do the temperatures. Unlike Texas, where it just stays hot. We've been having 100+ temperatures for some time now, and it only drops into the mid-80's at night.
There was some degree of tension for the first couple of days about how to entertain me. The family (my sister and two of her daughters and their families all live there now) seems to see me as some esoteric type who only likes classical music, serious theatre (especially Shakespeare), and other such stuff. Well, I do like those things, but not exclusively.
When I got there, I was presented with a pile of brochures and newspaper clippings and asked to decide what I wanted to do. I hate that when I go to visit somebody. I want to see their world, not a transplanted version of my own. And I really didn't want to get into orchestrating something that had the potential for it becoming a logistical or scheduling nightmare.
And a lot of stuff going on required just that - prior reservations or a willingness to buck crowds of people - not to mention getting there and finding parking. There was a blues festival going on that sounded good. However, that was not only crowded, but tended to be an all-day outing and required decisions about blankets, chairs, food, drink, etc, in addition to just getting downtown. I might have gone on my own, but didn't want to juggle the wants and needs of 5 people.
It was interesting to watch the dynamics play out. If I brought up something that no one else wanted to do, it wouldn't be dismissed outright - just sort of forgotten. When I mentioned the casual concerts in the local park, the first question was "What time to we have to be there?" Everything seemed to be addressed with a view toward scheduling - how, when, where, what, etc.
I felt the tension in myself, but didn't stress out about it. I just quietly held out for a simpler approach, and that slowly began to take hold.
I finally convinced everyone that I didn't really need to be entertained and would rather do mostly impromptu things - if possible in the Lake Oswego area. There was a nice park nearby that had some summer events - small concerts, a farmer's market, interesting stores. There was also a trails along the river and at other local parks to walk and restaurants to explore. I would even have been happy driving around the Portland area seeing how things had changed in the 10 years I've been gone. But that was one of the options that was quietly forgotten, as was a suggested trip out to the Columbia Gorge. Extensive driving or hiking was not high on their list. I didn't push either one.
We cooked at home a couple of times (which included grocery shopping), went out to eat, walked along the river, went to the farmer's market in Lake Oswego, dropped in on the concerts in the park, and I had lots of reading time. The only in-town Portland activities were walking through the Chinese Garden in the Old Town area and exploring the Saturday Market under one of the bridges there - an open air thing that has been around for years.
In the back of my mind, I was in the market for a new pair of sandals, but not on the hunt for them. To my surprise, one of the stands at the Saturday Market specialized in just that. I saw a pair I liked (although the price was more than hoped for), and felt relieved when they didn't have my size there. But the guy said he could take my measurements and make them overnight - I could pick them up the next day. Well, I'm a sucker for "special treatment," but decided to walk around and think about it. Of course, I soon decided I NEEDED those sandals (the fact that he was rather attractive had nothing to do with it, I'm sure). So I went back and said OK. And the next day there they were. Only minor adjustments required, such as adjusting the straps, punching the holes in the buckle strap, and moving my foot around to make sure everything fit properly - lots of foot touching.
As Kathryn Hepburn said in The African Queen, I had no idea a mere physical sensation could be so . . . stimulating.
And the sandals are wonderful. And the price (which was not exorbitant - just more that I had planned on) has faded from memory. And I still feel that way after returning to Austin.
Anyway, everyone calmed down about my entertainment needs and by Friday it turned into a very delightful time. I almost wished I had planned to stay longer, but I think the time there was just about right. Any more and planning might have been required.
All in all, it was nothing special, and yet the whole thing was special.
Current Location: I air conditioned comfort in Austin
Current Mood: Relaxed
Current Music: A CD of Celtic music I bought from a street musician there
|
|
04:53 pm
[Link] |
Vacation Time
I keep meaning to enter a post, but mostly sit and stare at the blank entry box.
I am about to go on vacation this Wednesday (July 1-6). This time to Portland, Oregon, to visit my sister who moved up there earlier this year. I'm always a little apprehensive about visiting my family. There is very little connection between their lives and mine, and they mostly don't want to know about mine. I guess the feeling is mutual now.
Anyway, I lived there about 10 years ago, and I'm looking forward to going back and seeing how she is doing. Originally I had asked for July 1-6, but my manager insisted I take the complete 2nd week off. Very surprising because they are usually antsy about anyone taking off more that a week at a time. So I will probably do some day trips around Austin after I return next Monday. I briefly considered going to Chicago or Warkworth, but on reviewing my financial situation realized that was less than feasible. Both trips were a nice fantasy while they lasted.
In other aspects of my life, all is going very well. Since starting regular acupuncture treatments at the Academy of Oriental Medicine here in Austin (AOMA), I've been feeling great, what with all that chi coming into balance. I go to the Student Clinic because I'm cheap (and broke). It couldn't have anything to do with the thoroughly adorable male intern who is treating me. So sad to have to pay someone to touch me these days.
I'm becoming a true believer in the efficacy of acupuncture - even approaching the precipice of abandoning my western doctor completely. But I probably won't go that far. Acupuncture isn't covered by my insurance, and even they agree there are some things they can't treat effectively. I just know that I haven't felt this energetic and positive in years.
Plus my vision is still an amazing thing to experience.
And finally, an old friend from my college days (David) recently located me on Face Book. I had forgotten I had an account there. He lives in London now - a retired Anglican priest - and has been there for the past 30 or so years. He was a very big influence on my life back then, and a catalyst for the path I eventually followed. I was responsible for the breakup of the relationship (I just wasn't ready) and came to regret it. Spent far too many years Searching for David (or a reasonable facsimile). Very unfair to the men I met over the years.
I have often wondered where he was - and if he was still alive. That's something one does on reaching the age of 70. It's so nice the be able to share autobiographical information with someone you knew "back when" - someone with whom you have a history and close connection. So many background details you don't have to explain - so many shared memories to provide a context for the new information. We have been indulging in a near orgy of email exchange - but now that's starting to slow down to a steady pace. I feel alive again knowing he's still on this side of the veil. Our last encounter was back in the 1970's in NYC. But it was as though those intervening 30 years hardly existed. Now I have to consider Chicago, Warkworth, AND London as potential visitation sites. So many choices; so little time (and money).
So I'm off to Oregon on Wednesday - though few here would notice the absence since I've become very lax in my posting habits. Still I wanted people to know. I've suddenly become very aware of keeping in touch.
Hope everyone has a good week. et
Current Mood: Elated
Current Music: Some Native American flute music
|
|
04:14 pm
[Link] |
Update on Replacement Parts
It's been over a month now since the cataract surgery. All went reasonably well, except my right eye was a bit fuzzy. The doctor said it was not unusual - something about stray eye cells forming a film over the eye. Had to wait a month for my eyes to heal, but last week I went in to "have my lens polished."
Apparently this is so common they have a special room at the eye surgery center set up to deal with it. It involves laser zaps and takes less than a minute. They put something on my eye to hold it open. Then 2 very bright red lights appeared. Then the red lights seemed to move, and there were lots of zapping sounds and slight bursts of light. Sort of like my own personal light show. I told him he should have had Pink Floyd playing - only got a slight smile from the doctor for that one, but the nurse thought it was funny.
Anyway I seem to be done with that, and I'm slowly getting used to not wearing glasses anymore. I really never thought this day would come again. Although I still occasionally feel slightly naked when I first leave the house.
I was amazed at the cost - that I didn't have to pay. My insurance paid nearly $2,000, and the surgery center wrote off nearly $6,000. I guess it's rather lucrative for them in the tax write-off game.
Anyway, it's a beautiful day outside, hot & sunny but I'm in my trailer house in air conditioned splendor, the birds are feasting at the feeding & water stations, and I can see it all in HD and brilliant colors.
Hope everyone has a nice weekend.
Current Mood: A quiet sense of joy
Current Music: Benjamin Britten's "Peter Grimes"
|
|
12:20 am
[Link] |
A Night at the Opera
I finally got to see Poulenc's Dialogue of the Carmelites - an opera I've wanted to see for about 30 years - thanks to a substantial IRS refund that made it possible to pay a very exorbitant price for a night at the opera.
It's based on a true story about 17 Carmelite nuns sent to the guillotine for refusing to disband during the French Revolution, but it's not really about nuns or the French Revolution. The Austin Lyric Opera production left a few things to be desired, but the music is sublime - and the ending, OMG, the ending....Dead Nuns Walking.
I was in tears when the final music began and when I realized how the guillotine sequence was being staged...I was beside myself. The nuns, in a row walking straight toward the audience, in great distress, singing the Salve Regina. Then, the guillotine is heard being pulled up and then fall, a nun falling to her knees at the sound of each thwack and her voice disappearing from the ensemble. Then seeing that nun's expression subtlety change to a beatific serenity of acceptance and release before lying prostrate - until the stage was literally littered with dead nuns - until only one voice is heard and hers cut off abruptly - followed by silence as the curtain falls. It is the most intense 11 theatrical minutes I've experienced in a long time - made all the more devastating by the 2 hours+ leading up the the ending.
Of course, I had my own monastic experience to fill in the gaps. Still, monastic life aside, but regarding life in general - When does one say "Enough is enough"? When does one decide to leave or stay the course? When does one stand for and what price is one willing to pay? Choices.
It was one of the best nights at the opera I've experience in years - and worth the price of admission and the 30-year wait to experience it.
Current Mood: Ecstatic
Current Music: Poulenc's music still reverberates within
|
|
03:33 pm
[Link] |
Through a glass - still a bit darkly
Well, the 2nd cataract surgery is over and mostly done with. For better or worse, the right eye hasn't healed as nicely as the left eye did. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and all was entirely black. I turned over and looked out the window and could see lights with my left eye, but nothing with my right. I was just a tad anxious. Then I turned on the light and could see out of my left eye, but the right eye only admitted a little light from the bedside lamp. Then in my semi-drugged state, I soon fell asleep again.
When I finally woke up this morning, the left eye took a minute to come into focus. The right eye provided some vision, but it looked like I was looking through extremely dirty dark sunglasses. Sort of like the yellow mist of Monday morning, only much, much worse.
Fortunately, I had an appointment to see the eye surgeon at 8am this morning. He didn't seem too concerned - which helped to some degree to calm my innards. Said it was partly a result of some cornea swelling from the operation and partly because some drops he had administered to keep my iris from enlarging hadn't worn off. Added that all should clear up by the weekend. And, of course, said to call if that didn't happen. Which wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. But I guess that was better than, "Oh my god, back into surgery immediately." In the meantime, he told me to increase the dosage of the drops I currently had for the post-op period. Doctors can be infuriatingly calm in the face of dashed expectations.
I can tell that the focus of the right eye is almost as good as the left eye. And the brownness is becoming less. But I was hoping for better - while working very hard to keep my expectations in check. I do remember that the left eye took a couple of days to settle down. In the past, I might have gone ballistic, but this time I just said OK, and meant it.
On another note, went to see Avenue Q last Friday - the first National Tour. It's a wonderful show - Muppets on steroids and definitely NSFW. The choreography of the ensemble was amazing. I didn't see a wasted movement. Also the vocals were full and natural; yet none of the actors overshadowed the puppets with physical or facial histrionics. The element of the puppets with the human actors seemed strange at first, but soon just added another dimension to the experience. I had a wonderful time - even seeing it through a partial yellow mist. It was nice not no need glasses to see some very talented people at work.
Current Mood: Veeeery rested
Current Music: Benjamin Britten stuff
|
|
09:07 pm
[Link] |
Replacement Parts - 2
This has been a week of rediscovering how things look in focus - through my left eye anyway. Since my right eye is not yet "fixed," the view has been rather unbalanced. Even walking is sometimes tricky, especially on stairs. But it's still an exciting view - sort of a preview of things to come. I haven't abandoned by glasses entirely. It still feels a bit odd not wearing them; almost a naked feeling - I keep checking my fly. But I don't think it will take me long to set them aside (except for reading).
This has given me a before and after perspective that contained an unexpected discovery. The cataracts have caused more than just fuzziness. My world was getting darker as well.
Sitting outside at lunch today, I closed my right eye to enjoy the clarity of things to come. Then I closed my left eye to "enjoy" the difference. I was not prepared for what that difference contained. Not only was everything out of focus (even with my glasses); the world I saw was dimmer and covered with a yellowish haze. It's a very depressing view. I wonder how long I've been looking at the world (and probably life as well) through a glass darkly?
All that will change this Monday when I star in "Replacement Parts - 2."
I was originally told there would be about three weeks between operations, but last Tuesday the doctor said the left eye was healing nicely and he say no reason not to proceed with the right eye as soon as possible. When he asked if Monday would be too soon, I didn't exactly jump for joy - but I didn't hesitate either.
A thrill of anticipation vibrated through me.
Current Mood: Slightly agog
|
|
10:09 am
[Link] |
One Eye Fixed - One To Go
My left eye has now been "fixed." At the post-op exam this morning, my left eye tested at 20/20 and the doctor said everything looked good. So good, in fact, that he wants to schedule the right eye for next Monday, instead of three weeks from now. Fine with me.
The only upset came when I walked into the surgical center yesterday morning. I was given a letter explaining that I was an Out-of-Network patient. News to me. No one had bothered to mention that, and as far as I knew everything was covered. I almost canceled the whole thing, since no one there could explain exactly what that meant. What I suddenly saw was lots of extra cost from multiple bills from money-grubbing doctors.
Eventually they found someone who explained that just the surgical center was not part of my insurance plan (I still don't know why), BUT they would honor the terms of my plan. The only cost to me would be a $50.00 copay. That's what they said, that's what I want to believe, why do I feel uneasy? But I'm not good at negotiations like that or knowing what to ask. So I finally said OK.
I still had misgivings as they led me back to the prep area. Then they gave me this little white pill. And everything was OOOOOkaaaay.
The rest of the procedure was quite easy - almost pleasant. On the way into the operating area, they put this pre-heated blanket on me. Talk about a comfort factor. Once I was on the operating platform, under the pre-heated blanked, there were suddenly about 5 people all bustling around and doing things to me, but it seemed more like 20 or 30. I felt so special. Then the IV was hooked up, and I was off into a dream-like state. I don't think I ever blacked out. In fact that had told me I wouldn't, so that I could respond to the doctor. I don't remember doing that, but I do remember lots of drops being put in my eye, then someone taping my head to limit movement, and after that I don't remember much - just that something was being done. And then it was over - about 15 minutes later.
I think I might have complained about having to get up - I was so comfortable. Or was that in the pre-op area when I had to get up from the recliner and into the wheelchair taking me into the operating area? It's all somewhat of a blur. Then I was in a car being driven home. It's nice to be taken care of.
I slept most of the day and night - about 18 hours. At one point I remember trying to put the plastic guard over my eye, then woke up several hours later with it still in my hand. Oh well, I didn't want to put it on anyway. Later, I finally woke up enough to look at the clock - and I could see the numbers without glasses. It's be years since I could do that.
There has yet to be any pain - other than occasionally feeling a slight needle prick in the left eye. Mostly there is only a mild feeling that something is caught in my left eyelashes, and an awareness of an imbalance between my left and right eye. The doctor says all of that is a normal part of the healing process. The imbalance could be rather odd this week - finding the right focus - and I'm curious about what the close-up reading will be like. But I suspect my brain will take over and make use of the best information coming in.
I still have to avoid bending over or lifting things for the rest of this week - and I suppose next week as well after the right eye is done. There could also be a couple of weeks of mild discomfort as the healing takes place. But so far all seems well.
I'm actually looking forward to the procedure next week. I can hardly wait to see things that don't look fuzzy. This experience is quickly replacing the memories of my grandfather's cataract experience some 60 years ago. Back then, this would have been the stuff of science fiction.
Right now, I'm enjoying the day off and partly improved vision. I'm even about to venture out into the sun; however, first I may take another nap.
Current Music: A play list on my pc - choral stuff
|
|
08:01 pm
[Link] |
Remembrances of things past
Everything is in motion - the surgery to dissolve the cataracts and replace the lens in my left eye is scheduled for this coming Monday. Apparently it only takes about 15 minute - although now it's referred to as a "procedure" - is that a downgrade? Anyway, I'll be there for about 2-3 hours to let the anesthesia wear off, then supposedly I'll sleep for the rest of the day at home. I'm taking Tuesday off as well. Then about 3 weeks later, repeat on the right eye. And voila - amazing distance vision. It will be such a relief to see things that aren't fuzzy.
My mind knows all will be well, and I'm not really concerned. My gut, however, hasn't completely make the transition to the present and there is a gnawing unease - a feeling of suddenly being old. I remember from my childhood what a horror cataracts were back in the 1940's. My grandfather (my father's father) was diagnosed with cataracts and the only option at the time was blindness. Of course, I was very young and didn't even know exactly they were talking about. Mostly I only remember the upset from the adults and the gradual deterioration in his health, but I've never forgotten that. Just the word "cataracts" caused an involuntary reaction when it was used in reference to me. Of course, I know we've come a long way, still...
It also points up the isolation I live in here in Austin. When I was told someone would have to drive me to and from the "procedure", I felt a knot in my stomach. Since my sister moved to Oregon, I don't really know anyone I would feel comfortable asking. However, when I told my landlady about it, she volunteered before I could even ask. She's had the same thing done, and knew the drill. We used to be good friends many years ago when I was in college here, but now, other than paying rent, I have almost no contact with her (that's a whole 'nother story). So I was surprised and quite relieved.
So, Monday it is - to infinity and beyond!
Current Mood: Looking forward to time off
Current Music: Miles Davis - Kind of Blue & Sketches of Spain
|
|
10:04 am
[Link] |
Replacement Parts
Just returned from the eye doctor - with very dilated eyes and a fuzzy outlook on the world.
Seems glaucoma isn't the issue - yet - and laser surgery isn't needed - yet. So much to look forward to. Instead it's cataracts that are beginning to form in the lens - enough to cause both vision problems and, in ways I don't fully understand, the pressure buildup between the cornea and the iris. So in a few days, I'll go in for pre-surgery measurements. Then a few days later, I'll go in for ultra sound to dissolve the cataracts AND replacement lenses in both eyes.
Apparently, it's only about a 10-15 minute procedure, but recovery can take a couple of days. Since each eye has to be done separately, it could mean taking up to a week off from work. And that's not an altogether unpleasant thought.
The result should be no longer needing glasses for distance vision - only reading glasses. I'll probably stick with bifocals so I don't have to keep taking glasses off and putting them on. There will also be a lessening of the pressure buildup. And those are good things.
It's just a little daunting to think of oneself as beginning to wear out and needing replacement parts. After all, I still feel like I'm only about 27 and look the same - although I do avoid looking into mirrors and store windows whenever possible.
Still, the idea of eye surgery - well, the mind boggles. And the adventure continues.
Current Mood: Surprisingly at peace
Current Music: More Arvo Part - good stuff coming out of Estonia
|
|
10:27 pm
[Link] |
Something to write about
Went for an eye exam last Wednesday - it was past time for a checkup anyway, and I thought my prescription had changed. Everything was kind of fuzzy. I was expecting to come away with new glasses. Instead, it seems I have some issues around glaucoma - especially in my right eye. Something about the fluid behind the eye lens not draining properly, causing increased pressure which has been distorting my vision. Going in tomorrow (Tuesday) for an appointment with a specialist. They will be dilating my eyes, so I won't be able to see anything up close for about 6 hours. Good excuse for a sick day.
Went to a performance of the complete Messiah by a professional choral group based here in Austin - Conspirare - they've had several Grammy nominations. 29 singers and 26 instrumentalists playing period instruments. Beautiful singing and playing, but somehow the whole was a bit on the dull side. Maybe it was the mellower sound of period instruments, or the fact that they were tuning at the historically correct A 415 instead of the A 440 21st century ears are used to hearing. Or maybe I'm just jaded - heard and sung in too many Messiahs. It's not that I didn't enjoy concert - there were moments of technical and musical brilliance, but there was very little fire in the performance. The conductor said he was going for a transparent and luminous sound - what I experienced was a tedious sameness. Especially in the slower movements, he didn't seem able to get the ensemble to sustain the long arc of the phrases. Still it was good to go out again and respond to something.
Ended the weekend with a massage. I usually seek out a local massage school and sign up for student massages. I've been doing that here in Austin for the past 10 years. Ya takes ya chances, but for the most part I've had some pretty good massages. This was one of the better ones. It's a good thing to be touched by another human being - even if I have to pay for it.
All in all, it was a good past few days. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
Current Mood: Ready for bed
Current Music: Arvo Part - In Principio
|
|
08:04 am
[Link] |
"What lips my lips have kissed and where and why, I have forgotten"
I know I'm way overdue for a post. I do try to keep up with your posts, but occasional comments seem the best I can do. Trying to write about my own present produces lots of blank screens, and one can only do so much on the past. However, the completion my 70th trip around the sun seemed to warrant at least a summary of those trips. Of course, I've forgotten more details than I remember - most of it's a blur anyway.
( Abandon Hope All Ye That Enter Here )
Current Mood: At ease with the milestones
Current Music: Silence and the music in my head
|
|
07:41 pm
[Link] |
Writer's Block: Dream Job
I'd like to be a benefactor...of course, first I'd have to win the lottery. So I guess I'll settle for a life that has always been "not quite what I planned".
Tags: careers, jobs, writer's block
|
|
06:17 pm
[Link] |
A Day to Celebrate
It's ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) ruralrob's birthday!!!
Many happy returns and thanks for being among us.
|
|
08:53 am
[Link] |
Happy Boxing Day
Best wishes to everyone for the coming year. I hope your various Christmas rituals were good.
I had my usual quiet Christmas day yesterday. I've spent Christmas alone for so many years now, the idea of doing otherwise seems odd to me. My sister recently moved to Portland, Oregon, so this year, for the first time in about 10 years, I didn't have to go through the ritual of trying to limit my participation in the gatherings with her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. My sister and I have a good relationship, but how I do or don't fit into her children's lives is another story. The background of that is too much to go into here. What I realized this year is that now I don't have to push against the family dynamics, I sort of miss feeling that I need to. Family dynamics are mysterious, sometimes troubling, sometimes wonderful, and a part of who we are.
I've reached a point where being family-free feels OK - at least this year. What I do miss is being part of that other family structure - friends and animals who have become part of my life over the years. LJ has been a wonderful and surprising source of that for the last 6 years. My first entry was August 8, 2002. What an amazing journey that has been.
Anyway, back to my own Christmas story. On Wednesday, we got out of work at noon. So I went to the store and did some hunting and gathering for my "traditional" Christmas Eve Dinner. It's something I grew up with. My family opened presents on the night before Christmas. This included a big dinner, everyone trying to convince me that they heard a noise in the living room (which must be Santa), then the grand ripping and shredding of paper and opening of gifts. But the Santa bit seemed a bit much - I had been eying those wrapped items under the tree for a couple of weeks.
I don't think I ever bought into the Santa thing - at least I don't have any memory of it - but indulged the family and played along. Early on I was a people-pleaser-type, trying to do what I thought others wanted from me. Over the years, I have had many moments of regret about that, but now I mostly accept it as an ingrained part of who I am. I just try to stay aware of that almost knee-jerk instinct and not let it entirely dominate how I respond.
My favorite time, though, was the weeks before as the house was decorated and gifts began to appear under the tree. I loved to sit alone by the tree and imagine what might be in the various boxes and odd shapes. Then I'd marvel at the colors of the lights and ornaments and the reflections I saw in them. (I didn't know the term, but that was where I first encountered "the warm fuzzies.") Of course, I'd soon get to thinking about what was going to happen to Jesus when he grew up, an image of the three crosses would form in my head, and then I'd cry. My parents did not know what to make of that, and I couldn't explain it, but eventually they learned to just let me be. It didn't last long or darken the other Christmas events. Just something I needed to do.
Anyway, my dinner this year was actually quite good. Salmon poached in olive oil (a recipe I just found), braised cucumber with dill and garlic, a baked potato, and some dreaded brussel sprouts - even in the face of ruralrob's warnings that I'm on a slippery slope to a totally degenerate life - what's next, parsnips and turnips? Actually it was a conscious choice to go against my instincts - and a cooking method I heard of sounded intriguing and was actually quite good. Of course, I do feel a twinge of guilt about it - what will RR think? But I'm probably stronger for it.
I was so pleased with the meal that I ended up drinking the whole bottle of wine I bought go with it - and Christmas morning I was once again reminded of the consequences of that choice. I think the olive oil may have dulled the pain somewhat, though.
Christmas night, I decided to go to a movie. I had planned to see Doubt, but when I got to the theatre it was sold out as were my 2nd and 3rd choices. Seems the world goes to movies on Christmas night. But I wasn't going to be denied - my main objective was to be distracted, and maybe even entertained - so I headed to another theatre a few miles away. Doubt wasn't showing there, and Seven Pounds sounded just too depressing for Christmas night. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button sounded intriguing, but somehow I tend to avoid Brad Pitt movies (Brad, how could you???) Suddenly it was my turn at the ticket window, so I looked at start times and Marley & Me won out. That was not even on my mental list, and I had severe reservations based on the trailers I had seen on TV, but there was no time for dithering. As synchronicity will have it, it turned out to be a good choice.
Anyway, who can resist a dog-flick - especially if the dog is a Lab? I was almost instantly won over and rather enjoyed the cathartic process of the movie itself - Owen & Jennifer were very good in bringing the human characters to life and making it more than Just a Dog Flick. At the end, I had no choice but to sit through all of the credits, and I was probably a danger on the highway driving home. But it was a really good experience - an unexpected gift of remembrances of things past - including the joy pets bring to our lives, as well as the process of what happens when they become too ill to have much of a life. The most recent connections were my times in Warkworth with Bob, Meirion, Baxter, Bailey, and Freddie, as well as all the usual suspects in the village - but especially the February visit that would be the last time I saw Bailey, and playing a slow-motion game of fetch the ball in the snow. Once the flood passed, a good case of the warm fuzzies remained.
Now I have to go out and fill the bird feeder stations - then make pancakes - and discover whatever else the day brings. BTW, it's going to be near 80 F here today and sunny - but it's windy. Hope everyone out there has a good day in whatever weather surrounds you. I don't post much these days, but I wanted you all to know how important you are in my life.
Hugs all around.
Current Mood: Warm fuzzies continue
Current Music: Silence and the sound of the wind
|
|
07:53 am
[Link] |
Long Weekend
Thanksgiving here in the US has basically turned into an annual 4-day weekend. I used to look forward to that, but it seems I've lost the knack for filling that much time off. Isolation and work-related involvement have become a way of life, and I haven't figured out how to fill the former or break out of the latter.
Things have changed here for me. My sister has moved to Portland, Oregon, to be near two of her daughters, as well as start a new business. Even though we didn't have a lot in common, there was a connection - she was my only real social and family connection. I miss the times we did spend together, and well as having to figure out ways to avoid the family gatherings that once took place. But that's a whole other story.
Thanksgiving day this year was filled with too much eating, but not in any communal setting.
Started on Wednesday afternoon. We got out of work at 1pm. It was payday. I went to the grocery store and spent too much on food I didn't really need - mostly desserts, I discovered when I got home. So I indulged myself in front of the TV, but couldn't tell you what I watched or ate.
Thursday started around 7am with a bowl of cereal and a banana, plus several cups of coffee while watching the Today show for news of fresh disasters. Somehow, that merged into the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade - I somehow didn't have the energy to move. Around 10 am, a craving for 2nd Breakfast loomed large, and that led to some eggs, pancakes, sausage-like substance, and blueberries & nuts.
So there I was by 11 am wondering, "What now?"
I went outside and filled the bird feeding stations and a couple of water sources for them. That's not a great time-filler, but makes me feel useful. Especially when the finches, doves, cardinals and squirrels come swooping in shortly after I come back inside.
Tried doing an LJ post, but the screen remained blank. Read some - currently working my way through The Rest is Noise by Alex Ross. Then I made some house-cleaning motions that eased my sense of guilt and gave the impression of a house in order - sort of.
Around 2pm, I wasn't really hungry, but was tempted to go looking for a restaurant - a big meal seemed part of the ritual. Instead, I decided on a movie. Slim pickings, but settled on Quantam of Solace. I'm not a big Bond or action-adventure fan, but it was the only thing showing that I hadn't seen or felt drawn to. I was curious to see what Daniel Craig brought to the role. It's certainly a different take on the 007 character. Of course, I felt more like I was watching one of the Bourne entries than a James Bond film - but to get hung up on that seemed both a waste of time and churlish. He's not a very witty or charming Bond, and what little sexuality there was seemed more gratuitous that part of the character, but he's still charismatic in his own wiry way - and he wears cuts and bruises with distinction. I was entertained and didn't feel resentment at the cost of the ticket. That's something I suppose.
On the way home, I passed a restaurant that was open - a Brazilian Steak House - and, on an impulse, decided to have a real meal instead of continued random grazing. I'm not a vegetarian, but I don't eat a lot of meat either. So I was not prepared for the carnivore's haven I entered. No menu, just a self-serve salad bar, an array of side dishes, and about 16 different meats - each one brought to your table on a large skewer by a series of waiters dressed as "gauchos". They would slice off as much as you wanted, and you could sample as many versions as often as you wished. The waiters were all very attractive, seemed to speak limited English, and smiled to excess, so it was hard to say no - plus the food was very good. But eventually I began to feel like Jabba the Hut, so I made myself stop. I finally waddled out vowing never to eat again. Of course, that vow only lasted until this morning.
Ended the day watching the University of Texas football team demolish the Aggies of Texas A&M 49-9 - a 100+ year rivalry that once seemed important. I'm not really a football fan - except for UT games. I guess they remind me of my college days when I was in the UT band - it still feels good when they win, as well as reminding me of a time when I had friends and it seemed there was always something to be part of, something to do.
The day passed, but it felt like too much violence and food packed into one day - and limited personal interaction. Strange - it felt somewhat like Thanksgiving days I grew up with in days of yore.
The aloneness somehow seems natural now - I'm trying to find a better way to fill the time, though.
Current Mood: Stuffed and self-absorbed
Current Music: Silence seemed a better optoin
|
|
07:05 am
[Link] |
Validation & Goodbyes
This was a good week.
The Call Center I'm supervising is actually producing what was asked of us, and almost by the stated 6-week deadline. Of course, the Call Center is not the heart of the project, but nothing can begin until we collect the necessary background information - and past Call Center performances did not lead to any great expectations.
In fact, there was so much hand-wringing and predictions of disaster when we started in October that I started out feeling just a tad overwhelmed. The sample population was nearly double that of past surveys, but the deadlines were not increased and we discovered that the data provided to us was sketchier than in the past.
But somehow I didn't feel daunted by the unknowns ahead. I was even looking forward to trying some of the ideas I had developed from the previous project last January. I also think it's sometimes a blessing to be mostly unaware of past procedures and any resulting disasters.
Besides, starting with such low expectations could only make any success look better.
Anyway, on Friday, at the end of the 7th week, I was finally told that we're close to 80% completion of the required calls. I knew we were doing well, but have not been given any specifics until now. (I'm not part of any information loop.) We've been so productive that the office that handles the 2nd phase of the project, assuming the worst from the Call Center, is overwhelmed.
This has never happened before. There seems to be general amazement, since there was no real drama or chaos in the Call Center, just steady progress. I get the impression that chaos and upset have been the measures of progress in the past.
It may be petty of me, but this all makes me smile - and proud of the "temps" I was lucky enough to have found.
And therein lies the other side of the coin. There is a degree of sadness trembling beneath the surface. We will soon begin the process of scaling down into the end phase, and that means saying goodbye to the temps I've been working with. Matt, Mariana, Jessie, Susan, Tamaina - names that are never uttered by management. People who have become more than just temporary, replaceable employees to me. I not only appreciate the work they have done, but will miss being around them.
It does bother me is that there is almost no acknowledgment of the part these people played in the Call Center's success, but I know what they have accomplished and never let an opportunity pass to point that out. I have also come to know some of their history and respect their efforts to make their lives make sense.
The selection was random, based solely on resumes (no interviews were allowed). Three of the first ones - Mike, Yolanda, and Eva - didn't work out, but I respected their reasons and openness for not being able to continue (rather than just disappearing). The replacements fit in seamlessly and by week 3, we were humming along as though we had been at it for months.
It's sort of like watching my children go off on their own.
A couple of them - Matt & Mariana - I could easily call friends, and will miss them the most. The others - Susan, Jessie, and Tamaina - are people I have enjoyed working with, and would love the opportunity to know them better. I will miss seeing all of them each morning, and wish I could be a fly on the wall to watch how they work things out. And they have all responded to me with respect and even affection. I think they have appreciated the way I responded to and treated them.
Of course, it's not all over yet - there is still stuff to take care of, but the end is in sight. However, the successes of the moment have not gone unnoticed, and I think the chance intertwining of our lives has left each of us changed in the process, and better for it.
It all feels like validation to me - for all of us - and even the prospect of goodbyes carries with it an element of happiness for the experience.
Current Mood: Really good
Current Music: Leonard Cohen songs
|
|
10:00 am
[Link] |
Ideals & Reality - or My Bucket's Got a Hole in It
It's actually been a good week - all in all. The Texas version of winter has arrived and there is a brisk feeling in the air.
My financial situation is beginning to stabilize - as I struggle to find a balance between wantin' and gittin'. I signed up for a workshop in the basics of playing the Native American flute I bought at the Annual Pow-Wow a couple of weeks ago. The African drumming classes keep me sane. Even though my technique may never approach any degree of proficiency, I do keep a steady beat and pick up the rhythms rather quickly. While we're not a close-knit community, at least we all know each others' names and notice when someone misses a class. And the wild birds seem to appreciate my meager efforts to supplement to their diet and water supply - even the marauding squirrels and cute bunnies seem to get their share of the largess.
And the weather has been absolutely beautiful for several weeks now. The most pleasant drought I've ever experienced.
Of course, my expectations had a brief collision with reality at work this past week. But even there I'm beginning to feel a sense of satisfaction.
Lately I've been quite pleased with how the people in the call center are working. Although I'm fully aware of my deficiencies as a supervisor, I've even begun to think that maybe my rather laid back supervisory approach might actually have something to do with that success.
While reveling in that thought last Thursday, while I was taking my turn at copying stuff, the Program Director for our division came storming up to me wanting to know why the Call Center had been empty at lunch time. In her words, "No one was there!" My first thought was "What?!?!? When I expressed surprise, since someone had been there when I left for lunch, her response was, "Well, there were a couple of temps there, but that doesn't count. I want a full-time staff person there at all times." That was the first I had heard the policy stated that way. The policy, as I understood it, was that someone had to be in the room at all times. I've never been sure why since we don't answer each others' phones; still, I had dutifully set up a loose lunch schedule so that we all weren't at lunch at the same time. I do consider each CSR as Some One. So much for respecting the humanity of all people.
And a reminder that expectations really are the source of all suffering.
Actually, I was more offended by her using the word temps with such derision than surprised at the issue itself. I knew that the general attitude of management toward the temp personnel in the call center was only marginally above contempt, but had never heard it expressed so viciously. I wanted to remind her that they had names and responsible lives, and they were doing a great job keeping her project on track, as well as making their own lives make sense. But I refrained from wading into that mine field at that moment.
I did ask when I was supposed to go to lunch - since I'm the only one in the call center who fits her criteria. Her response was, "I don't care - work it out with the other office." That "other office" is just down the hall, but we have never had any even remote coordination of schedules. When I talked to the lady in charge of that office, she just shook her head and said, "I got the same thing - so when do you want to go to lunch?" It was easily resolved, but annoying because the response was so out of proportion to the "offense" and so offensive.
I'm still chafing at the dismissive, arrogant, bigoted attitude toward the people I work with. I guess I thought their efforts might be reflected in management's attitude. Makes my teeth hurt. And makes me wonder how I can continue to work there. I will, of course, see this project to it's completion, but after that...I don't know. I need the on-going income, and, at my age, don't think I have a lot of prospects for full-time employment in the "market place." Staring into that abyss is less than pleasant.
One option is to revert to being a temp again and see what comes up. Another is to take up playing the Lottery - but I think finding other employment, even in my case, has better odds. I guess yet another option is to stay and keep fighting the battle.
But as the line goes in Man of La Mancha: "Whether the glass hits the rock or the rock hits the glass, it's always bad for the glass."
I guess I just don't understand the corporate world or how to function effectively in it - and still feel any self-respect. Lots of idealistic thoughts, but no idea how to confront the reality - or the guts, I guess, to stand on principle. I know that this management's attitude will not change. I know I can never acquiesce to that attitude. And I know that if I try to force the issue, I will not do it well - I never know where the edge is until I go over it. I can only trust that my instincts will evolve as reality crashes against ideals.
And maybe put 3 bucks into the lottery bucket next week.
Current Mood: Surprisingly at peace
Current Music: Bernstein's "Chichester Psalms" & Messiaen's "Quartet for the End of Time"
|
[<< Previous 20 entries] |
